Sunday, June 6, 1999
Some days are for writing. Some days are for getting things done. Writing days are days of reflection and healing. The days of getting things done are days of cleaning, running errands, keeping busy. If I keep busy doing things I don’t have to think to deeply or feel any sadness. Just do the job and get the work done. Don’t worry, just participate. I find that my thoughts are more hopeful and future focused. In the past I would ask God to help me occupy time until the healing was complete. Now I can find lots of ways to occupy time with a spirit of energy and enthusiasm.
Saturday, June 26, 1999
I still like to rise early in the morning. It is a routine that is hard to break. At 5:00 in the morning the city is quieter and my mind is less cluttered with worry. It is easier to get my paper work done. I also enjoy an early morning run along the trails of St. Albert or I like to pedal my new bike down to the river where the fresh scent of damp leaves and berries tickle my nose.
I finally have a mortgage for a home for my family. I purchased some land with a charming house and I can plant flowers in my garden. When I entered the nursing program in 1987 my goal was to get an education, get a secure, good paying job and buy a home for my sons and myself. The road has been long and very torturous but I have finally made it. This is truly a time for celebration and a time to count the Joy.
How is my mood? I am not crying as much but I still have a grumpy heart. I recognize that with the anger I have lots of energy. I can yell, stomp and scream or I can take a few deep breaths, change my thinking, make a few phone calls, write a few letters or start a new project. I try to put the passion from my anger to good use. The days go by quickly if I keep busy with these little projects. It has been said that I am a very persistent woman.
Wednesday, June 30, 1999
Today is the day I picked up the key for my new home. It was a small ordinary looking piece of metal that looks like most of the keys I have seen. But this one is different. This key is the symbol to security and stability. I will make monthly payments toward the purchase of my home. In two or three years time I won’t have to uproot my family.
Ashley has relapsed again. Ashley is the friend I have mentioned in “Count It All Joy”.
Tuesday, July 6, 1999
There is a light haze of fog covering the city this morning. Through the mist I can see a blue sky. The air is somewhat chilly and I had to wear a jacket for my morning bike ride.
My family and I have settled into our new home. This morning was the first morning I actually felt like smiling about the big event. On Wednesday, June 30th I should have been celebrating our move but instead I was in turmoil over the news that Leukemia has invaded Ashley’s blood for the third time.
Since that day I have cried many tears and cursed the air for letting this happen to such a beautiful girl. I cried for her parents, I cried for her. For 12 long years Ashley has faced this battle. Chemotherapy treatments have already begun and the goal is to get her into remission, find a bone marrow donor and go to Calgary for a bone marrow transplant.
It is beyond reasoning why this family has to face this nightmare disease all over again. To help me cope with the fear and pain of the days ahead I offered to set up a trust fund for the family to help them with the expenses over the next several months. There just never seems to be enough money to help these families. I know from personal experience that Ashley’s family is emotionally and physically exhausted with all of the challenges they have in their life.
Ashley and Jason are the same age. Ashley was born one month before Jason. Jason was diagnosed with Leukemia one month before Ashley. Then in the summer of 1996 Jason had the fire mishap and one month later we learned that Ashley had relapsed. The two of them seem to be on similar paths of survival.
Saturday, July 16, 1999
In general I think my soul feels more satisfied. When the feelings of doubt, fear and sadness creep into my mind I push them away with happy, optimistic thoughts. If I can’t change my mood with new thoughts then I go for a bike ride or a walk.
Thursday, July 22, 1999
Why can’t I have a passion for making pickles, or sewing pieces of fabric together and make quilts? Why do I have to have a passion for helping sick kids?
The gentle breezes of summer caress my skin and my grumpy heart asks is that you God blowing fresh air my way so, I can continue on with my journey. I am really tired Lord and I do need refreshments. It is very difficult for me to understand and accept the pain and sadness that I see in the lives of childhood cancer families.
There is no magic wand to wave over the cancer clinic and command cancer to disappear from the cells of the children. I can offer no explanation or words of comfort to my friends as they face their third experience with the disease. For the first time in a very long time I have nothing to say. I surrender to the Lord and exclaim, “You do the work. You put the light in my soul and I’ll shine for you. In the end we will give you the glory.”
Sunday, July 25, 1999
I like the light easy banter I hear at the coffee shop this morning. I don’t want to be deep in thought today. Reflecting on days gone by can still bring tears to my eyes and a tingle of sadness that seems to rest on my shoulders. I think, I think too much.
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